Two Steps From Hell

A couple years ago I encountered one of the most bizarre types of dance known to humanity.  The Two-Step, or Texas Two-Step, is the preferred dance style for country music.  Personally, I encountered it at a local country bar (don't ask why I was there) and found it to be highly infuriating. I had no idea that I was going to encounter a dance style that stands in opposition to all reasonable definitions of rhythm and movement.

I don't mean to BRAG, but I'm a pretty good dancer.  By that, I mean that I have a good sense of rhythm and can move to a beat.  But don't worry, you don't need these skills to do the Two-Step.  In fact, you don't really need music.  Instead, you only need muscle-memory, memorization, a hatred of natural rhythm, and legs.

Two quick steps, two slow steps...in a circle...foreverrrrr.  Just don't go the wrong way...it will remind you of that wheel in the Turkish prison from the movie Midnight Express:

I tried the Two-Step that night, but found that it is so inimical to natural rhythm that I couldn't perform it properly.  I have never felt so unnatural on a dance floor in my life.  In order to better understand this strange custom, I watched a How-To video on YouTube.  The money quote by the instructors: "You need to Two-Step for about 5 miles before it starts to become ingrained in your muscle memory."  WHAT!?!?  In other words, this type of dancing is so far from the natural movement of the body, you must practice it endlessly to overcome any natural sense of rhythm you might have.  This is fine for people with no rhythm, but what about those of us who are able to dance?  My body needs to move...it calls out to gyrate...it yearns to GROOVE.

Should it be banned?  Probably.  No, definitely.  In some countries, political prisoners are forced to Two-Step as punishment for various crimes.  Here's footage:

But what would replace the Two-Step?  I enjoy a lot of roots country music, and you've got to dance to it somehow.  You can't blame country music for the Two-Step, but there aren't a lot of other dance style alternatives. In the meantime, the key to dancing to the Two-Step, when you must, is to first suppress all internal rhythm.  Ignore the music, it won't help.  Memorize your steps, go counter-clockwise and ride it out as long as you can.  The song will eventually end.

I hereby call on someone to please create a better form of dance for this type of music. Perhaps a style that can utilize natural rhythm would be best.  Sorry, non-rhythmic white people, this outrage must come to an end.  The hardest part of a revolution is taking the first step...and avoiding the 2nd.