(based on 2-on-2 games between past or present NBA players born in each country, with results converted to soccer scores)
Brazil vs. Croatia
The outside shooting of Drazen Petrovic and Toni Kukoc is too much for Nene Hilario and Leandro Barbosa. Poor free-throw shooting by Hilario results in a narrow Croatian victory.
Croatia 3
Brazil 2
Advantage: Croatia
Uruguay vs. Costa Rica
Uruguay's Esteban Batista spends 45 minutes on layup drills by himself. Costa Ricans appeal to FIFA on grounds of unfairness. Appeal denied. Costa Ricans appeal to FIFA with $10,000. Appeal granted.
Costa Rica 0
Uruguay 0
Advantage: FIFA
Mexico vs. Cameroon
Eduardo Najera plays with the characteristic grit Big 12 fans remember. Unfortunately, with little support from Gustavo Ayon, Mexico just isn't quick enough to defend against the slashing drives of Luc Mbah a Moute. Ayon and Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje cancel each other out.
Cameroon 1
Mexico 0
Advantage: Cameroon
Colombia vs. Greece
Giannis Antetokounmpo practices dunking over the Colombian National Basketball team members. After a blowout, Colombian cartels collectively put a contract out on entire Colombian team.
Greece 15
Colombia 0
Advantage: Greece (and cartels)
Spain vs. Netherlands
Despite a valiant effort from Rik "The Flying Dutchman" Smits, Netherlands is outmatched by the inside-outside combo of Pau Gasol and Ricky Rubio. Swen Nater is simply outmatched. No outside game for the Netherlands results in:
Spain 3
Netherlands 0
Advantage: Spain
Chile vs. Australia
Matthew Dellavedova and Andrew Bogut show up to play...Chile forfeits.
Australia N/A
Chile N/A
Advantage: Australia by Forfeit
England vs. Italy
The versatility of Danilo Gallinari and size of Andrea Bargnani is too much for the outmatched England team. England refuses to allow Ben Gordon and James Donaldson to play, as they spent very little time in England after their birth. Tabloids dub them "Yanks and Wankers". Last minute substitutes Joel Freeland of the Portland Trailblazers and Kelenna "Big Time Buike" Azubuike are quickly defeated.
Italy 5
England 1
Advantage: Italy
Ivory Coast vs. Japan
The combined total field goals made by players from these two countries in the history of the NBA = 1
Japan 1
Ivory Coast 0
Advantage: Yuta Tabuse (parade in Japan forthcoming)
Argentina vs. Bosnia
Luis Scola dominates the paint while Manu Ginobli makes miraculous 3-pointers in a thrashing of Sasha Danilovic and Vladimir Radmanovic. Serbia celebrates Bosnia's loss.
Argentina 4
Bosnia 1
Advantage: Argentina
US vs. ^^^
Magic and Bird play and defeat each nation over a 12-hour period, with no breaks in between games. Bird shoots left-handed for the first 3 hours. Magic records a quintuple-double against Italy. At the end of the final game, a light shines down from heaven and Bird and Magic slowly ascend to the cheers of the crowd. Several constellations appear in the night sky commemorating the new gods.
US Infinity
World Subservience
Advantage: 'Merica
US World Cup Victory: ACHIEVED
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